Miles of Smiles Read online

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Born Embarrassed

  Bruce Lansky

  God Gave Out Noses

  Anonymous

  Birthday Wish

  Diane ZuHone Shore

  Where My Clothes Are

  Bruce Lansky

  Self Centered

  Anonymous

  The Wrong Side of the Bed

  Bruce Lansky

  I Love You

  Anonymous

  A Valentine Poem

  Eric Ode

  Captain Soapsuds

  Robert Scotellaro

  Swimming Ool

  Kenn Nesbitt

  Dance Fever

  Robert Scotellaro

  The Skateboard

  Willard R. Espy

  We Went to New York City

  Pat Dodds

  The Sleepover

  Betsy Franco

  Before 9 a.m.

  Joyce Armor

  My Violin

  Bruce Lansky

  My Baby Brother

  Bruce Lansky

  What My Parents Should Know about My Sister

  Bruce Lansky

  What My Parents Should Know about My Brother

  Bruce Lansky

  My Brother

  Luke Havumaki

  Things I’m Going to Do to My Brother

  Joyce Armor

  Forgetful

  Bruce Lansky

  My Sister’s Always on the Phone

  Bruce Lansky

  School Rules

  Bruce Lansky

  Lunch Lines

  Dave Crawley

  The Field Trip

  Eric Ode

  Food Fight

  Kenn Nesbitt

  I Brought My Grandma’s Teeth to School

  Robert Pottle

  My Teacher Sees Right Through Me

  Bruce Lansky

  Oops!

  Bruce Lansky

  A Balanced Diet

  Robert Scotellaro

  An “Everything” Pizza

  Linda J. Knaus

  Big Mary

  Bill Dodds

  Powdered Sugar

  Sydnie Meltzer Kleinhenz

  Little Miss Muffet

  Bruce Lansky

  The Yuckiest Sandwich

  Ellen Jackson

  Table Manners

  Joan Horton

  Sound Off!

  Susan D. Anderson

  Strongest Team

  Ted Scheu

  Sprinkles

  Anonymous

  The Curse of the Foul-Smelling Armpit

  Trevor Harvey

  On a Swing

  Ted Scheu

  Clear As Mud

  Bruce Lansky

  Miss Veronica Blair

  Linda J. Knaus

  Jack Was Nimble

  Bruce Lansky

  Professor Von Shtoot’s Wacky Inventions

  Helen Ksypka

  My Doggy Ate My Homework

  Dave Crawley

  Yankee Doodle’s Turtle Ride

  Bruce Lansky

  Yankee Doodle on a Chicken

  Bruce Lansky

  One-Shoe Willy

  Linda J. Knaus

  Star Light, Star Bright

  Bruce Lansky

  Dinosaur Names

  Holly Davis

  My Family of Dinosaurs

  Helen Ksypka

  My New Pet

  Bruce Lansky

  Kangaroos

  Kenn Nesbitt

  Mary’s Smart Lamb

  Ted Scheu

  Old Hogan’s Goat

  Anonymous

  Hey, Ma, Something’s Under My Bed

  Joan Horton

  The Teachers’ Show*

  Bruce Lansky

  Empty Headed

  Linda J. Knaus

  My Thumbies

  Bruce Lansky

  The Tattered Billboard

  Anonymous

  Cousin Henrietta’s Growing Something On Her Face

  Jerry Rosen

  Credits

  About Bruce Lansky

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  We would like to thank the following teachers and their students for helping us select the poems for this book:

  Marcy Anderson, Dell Rapids Elementary; Mark Benthall, Lakeway Elementary; Kathy Budahl, L. B. Williams Elementary; Monica Chung, Edgewood School; Bonnie Cox, Kolmar School; Beth Davis, Hough Street School; Cheryl Esparza, Monroe Elementary; Linda Evans, Longfellow School; Nancie Gordon, Whispering Pines Elementary; Shirl Herzig, Groveland Elementary; Jane Hesslein, Sunset Hill Elementary; Kate Hooper, Pinewood Elementary; Craig Jackson, Withrow Elementary; Ann Johnson, Christa McAuliffe Elementary; Margaret Kelberer, St. Paul Academy and Summit School; Sharon Klein, Clardy Elementary; Barbara Knoss, Hanover School; Maggie Knutson, Orono Middle School; Dale Langer, Milton East Elementary; Carol Larson, Mississippi Elementary; Steve Muras, Gatewood Elementary; Elaine Nick, Gracemor Accelerated School; Tessie Oconer, Fulton Elementary; Connie Parrish, Gertie Bell Rodgers Elementary; Mitzi Pearlman, Acres Green Elementary; Mary Jane Savaiano, Clara Barton Open School; Louise Scholnick, Dr. Gilbert Porter Elementary; Timothy Tocher, George Grant Mason Elementary; Lynette Townsend, Lomarena Elementary; Cheryl Triefenbach, Lalumier School; Dr. Jory Westbury, Avalon Elementary; and Jean Wise, Lincoln Elementary.

  INTRODUCTION

  When my kids were in elementary school, I noticed that the poems they liked best were the ones they thought were funny. They’d read them over and over and over again—to anyone who would listen. That’s how I got the idea to collect the funniest poems by the funniest poets and put them in a single book.

  But how was I going to figure out which poems were the funniest? I decided to test fifteen poems I liked on a fourth-grade class in the same school my kids had attended years before. The kids liked about half of the poems I’d selected. I couldn’t wait to test the next batch of poems on another class of students.

  The poems those kids helped me select were published in Kids Pick the Funniest Poems, a book that was a hit from the moment it was published. Its success prompted me to publish 17 more hilarious poetry books, which have sold over 3.6 million copies.

  In the process of testing poems, I discovered the ones that made kids laugh the most often contained a nugget of truth about parents, school, pets, or some other topic important to kids. That’s why this book is full of poems that deal with such topics as what really happens at slumber parties, messy bedrooms, gaining revenge on bratty brothers and snooping sisters, the latest fashions, white lies, junk food, and foul-smelling armpits.

  I’ve teamed up with Stephen Carpenter, to illustrate these books, with the goal of making the illustrations as funny (or funnier) than the poems. People who’ve read this book say there’s a smile on every page. I hope you agree.

  Born Embarrassed

  My mom was born in England.

  My dad was born in France.

  And I was born embarrassed,

  because I had no pants.

  Bruce Lansky

  God Gave Out Noses

  When God gave out noses,

  I thought He said, “Roses.”

  So I asked for a big red one.

  When He handed out legs,

  I thought He said, “Kegs.”

  So I asked for two big round ones.

  When He gave out looks,

  I thought He said, “Books.”

  So I said I didn’t want any.

  When He handed out brains,

  I thought He said, “Trains.”

  And I missed mine.

  Anonymous

  Birthday Wish

  When I turned eight
I made a wish

  I thought was really great.

  I wished my birthday came each week—

  a year’s too long to wait.

  Be careful when you make a wish,

  it may indeed come true.

  Although I’m just in second grade

  I’m almost forty-two!

  Diane ZuHone Shore

  Where My Clothes Are

  Dirty clothes should be put in the hamper.

  Clean clothes should be put in the drawer.

  But it takes too much time and it takes too much work,

  so I throw them all over the floor.

  Bruce Lansky

  Self Centered

  I like myself. I think I’m grand.

  I go to the movies and hold my hand.

  I put my arms around my waist;

  when I get fresh I slap my face.

  Anonymous

  The Wrong Side of the Bed

  I’m looking in the mirror.

  I don’t like what I see.

  My eyes look tired and bloodshot.

  This isn’t really me.

  My socks are different colors.

  My shirt is not tucked in.

  My hair looks like a hurricane

  from Cuba just blew in.

  I’m feeling very grumpy.

  I’m in a rotten mood.

  I snapped at breakfast when Mom said

  to get my own darned food.

  When I get in a cranky state,

  I wish that I could hide.

  Mom says, “Go back to bed then

  get up—on the other side.”

  Bruce Lansky

  I Love You!

  I love you, I love you,

  I love you, I do.

  But don’t get excited,

  I love monkeys, too!

  Anonymous

  A Valentine Poem

  Bigfoot’s face is very scary.

  Bigfoot’s feet are fat and hairy.

  Bigfoot’s breath can blister paint.

  Bigfoot’s all the things you ain’t.

  Be my valentine.

  Eric Ode

  Captain Soapsuds

  My name is Captain Soapsuds—

  I rule the waters deep.

  When serpents see me coming,

  they shudder and they weep.

  I’m Captain Suds the pirate,

  a mighty ship I sail.

  I love to feel the sea mist

  and hear the cold wind wail.

  I count my bags of treasure.

  I make men walk the plank.

  I wish I had more fingers

  to count the ships I sank.

  And if you choose to fight me,

  I’ll crush you like a bug.

  I’m Captain Suds the pirate

  till Mommy pulls the plug.

  Robert Scotellaro

  Swimming Ool

  Swimming in the swimming pool

  is where I like to “B,”

  wearing underwater goggles

  so that I can “C.”

  Yesterday, before I swam,

  I drank a cup of “T.”

  Now the pool’s a “swimming ool”

  because I took a “P.”

  Kenn Nesbitt

  Dance Fever

  Dad’s doing a rumba, Dad’s doing a waltz,

  he’s doing a split on the floor.

  He’s doing a cha-cha across our big couch—

  he’s prancing right out of the door.

  He’s doing a polka across the front yard.

  He’s doing a fox trot, the twist.

  He’s doing a samba, a tap-dance, ballet—

  there isn’t a dance step he’s missed.

  Our father’s not noted for moving so fast—

  we never have known him to dance.

  Yet he’s doing a tango, the hula, a jig

  since I dropped ice down his pants.

  Robert Scotellaro

  The Skateboard

  My Daddy has bought me a skateboard;

  he tried it out first at the store.

  And that is the reason why Mommy

  says Daddy can’t walk any more.

  Willard R. Espy

  We Went to New York City

  We went to New York City,

  but we never saw Times Square.

  We just saw Uncle Henry

  and played lots of solitaire.

  We drove up to Niagara,

  but we never saw the Falls.

  We stayed in Cousin Ernie’s house.

  I almost climbed the walls!

  We traveled down to Florida

  to see our Auntie Sue.

  We never went to Disney World

  like other people do.

  We drove to Arizona

  just to see Great-Grandpa Clark.

  I wish we’d had the time to see

  Grand Canyon National Park.

  And then we took a little trip

  to Washington DC.

  We didn’t see the White House

  ’cause we stayed with Aunt Marie.

  We even went to California

  several years ago.

  We never got to Hollywood,

  but we saw Grandma Flo.

  So why’d we stay with relatives

  no matter where we went?

  It’s ’cause my daddy is so cheap—

  he will not spend a cent.

  Pat Dodds

  The Sleepover

  My dad approved an overnight.

  I promised we would sleep—

  that after ten o’clock at night,

  he wouldn’t hear a peep.

  My friends came over to the house.

  They brought their sleeping stuff.

  We played full-contact football

  till it got a little rough.

  We watched some scary movies,

  and we had a pillow fight.

  We ate too many brownies,

  then we joked and teased all night.

  My groggy dad came in the room

  at three, or was it four?

  He found us throwing popcorn—

  we were wrestling on the floor.

  The promise that I made him

  was impossible to keep.

  At any decent sleepover,

  the point is not to sleep!

  Betsy Franco

  Before 9 A.M.

  I brushed my teeth

  (and my chin too).

  I combed the dog

  and tied one shoe.

  I hit my brother

  (not too hard)

  and colored Daddy’s

  credit card.

  I watched cartoons

  and wet my clothes.

  Then ate some breakfast:

  Oreos.

  I built a Lego

  centipede,

  I washed my Frisbee,

  tried to read.

  I counted marbles,

  played my drum.

  I climbed the bookshelf,

  sucked my thumb.

  I hid a treasure,

  drew a map.

  Why does Mommy

  need a nap?

  Joyce Armor

  My Violin

  My mom brought home a violin

  so I could learn to play.

  She told me if I practiced hard

  I’d play it well someday.

  Without a single lesson,

  I tried to play a song.

  My fiddle squeaked, my fiddle squawked.

  The notes came out all wrong.

  My little brother fled the room.

  Mom covered up her ears.

  My puppy dog began to howl.

  My sister was in tears.

  My dad pulled out his wallet.

  He handed me a ten.

  He made me swear I’d never play

  that violin again.

  Bruce Lansky

  My Baby Brother

  My baby brother is so small,

  h
e’s hardly even there at all.

  The only way that I can find him

  is by the smell he leaves behind him.

  Bruce Lansky

  What My Parents Should Know about My Sister

  My sister isn’t nice to me,

  unless she needs a favor—

  in which case for one minute

  she is on her best behavior.

  When she has her friends over,

  she never lets me play.

  She whines until my mother says

  I have to go away.

  I want our parents both to know

  my sister makes me sore.

  I hope that they will understand

  I do not want one more.

  Bruce Lansky

  What My Parents Should Know about My Brother

  He wakes me in the morning.

  He keeps me up at night.

  He messes up my bedroom,

  then starts a pillow fight.

  He grabs the channel changer,

  and will not give it back—

  then tattles to our parents

  when I give him a smack.

  He blows straw wrappers at me

  when we’re in a restaurant.

  And buys dumb birthday presents

  that I would never want.

  I want my parents both to know

  my brother makes me sore.

  I hope that they will understand

  I do not want one more.

  Bruce Lansky

  My Brother

  I want to push my brother in a vat of slimy goo.

  Or send him in a crate by U.P.S. to Timbuktu.

  Perhaps I could squirt super glue upon his dinner seat.

  Or maybe fill his shoes up with fast-drying wet concrete.

  Now please don’t get me wrong, I really love my brother, Scooter.

  But I never ever get a chance to play on our computer.

  Luke Havumaki

  Things I’m Going to Do to My Brother

  First I’m going to tie his shoes

  in sixty dozen knots.

  Then I’m going to fill his bed

  with rotten apricots.